So, a couple of weeks ago this chick tried to friendzone me over the internet, through skype. We met each other online and we had a lot in common and there was a beautiful romance blooming between us until...

she sent me a photo of what she looked like...



...fuck.

Let's just say she fell out of the ugly tree, hit every branch on the way down and snapped her neck on the "dim the lights, bag over head, doggystyle" rock, died, her soul trying to levitate into the atmosphere but accidentally got caught again in one the of the ugly tree branches, fell down again, hit every branch of the ugly tree again with her soul slamming into her mangled body reviving herself back to life and still walks around with a fucked face from falling down the ugly tree and a broken neck from the "dim the lights, bag over head, think of Scarlett Johanssen during doggystyle" rock ...

Yes, it was that bad.

Needless to say, i'm a shallow, immature kid in his mid twenties and i lost interest pretty much instantly but... i came to learn that this chick was actually 38, lives in Albania, and has an eight year old son and has a ton of crappy relationships with crappy guys who took advantage of her.

Guess what happened ?

I felt sorry for her. Really, true story. I felt bad.

Here is this old timer, in some third world country, raising a kid as a single mom with a face that looks my little nephew went full retard on ms paint and... wait, here let me show you :

 

and all she ever wanted was just some attention through the internet from a total alpha­hunk such as myself.

I kept talking to her but only for her enjoyment because i'm a good samaritan, Daddy Theresa, Steve Urkel if you will. I'm a good person that likes to give, i'm giver ; that's what i do, i just love givin' it to U worse than Robin Thicke and 2Chains... i believe that charity makes the world turn around a slightly more benevolent place.

Turns out she has a great personality so much so, i totally forgot about her looks or lack thereof and she convinced me to meet up in her hometown , Tirana, Albania.

Awesome.

Out of nowhere, she tells me that she has a new collegue from Britain who was only three hours in the country when they got drunk and fucked.

Wait, what ?



She also told me that she didn't had sex in two years, and this was the best day of her life that someone significantly younger than her would bang her even in a drunken meaningless fling.

Huh, what's going on ? What is this ?

I'll tell you what this is.

I got friendzone'd.



She made me that awkward naive kid in high school who has no idea how women work, can't read between the lines and thinks if he's nice and stands in line and let everyone else rip her fleshbox to shreds that eventually it'll be his turn.

Somehow, this antique piece of walking furniture, made me "that guy" That guy who a girl would never have sex with but yet keeps him around as a surrogate boyfriend without having to give up the poontang to keep him satisfied because he's a nice guy and nice guys finish last... don't finish at all.

Look...

You can fuck however you want, I think everyone should fuck more. I think everyone should fuck during work, meetings, a fistfight, while giving birth, discovering radioactivity, sheeeit, people (women included) should grow extra dicks so they can fuck while fucking, goddamn it.

That's not the problem.

Where i draw the line is that you tell me about it, as if that information is useful to me somehow. It's not, some things should be kept private.

Obviously, she must've interpreted my lack of advances towards her as sign that I'm not interested in her sexually or romantically.

Correct.

She must've noticed that right after showing me what she really looked like, I immediately stopped flirting with her and ceased to make any sort of move that could've led to us gettin' our Clinton on.

Yes. This is true.

She must've thought that since I didn't stop talking to her after my discovery of her being a « ­2 » on the bangability scale, that i wanted to remain friends with her and she should at all cost tell me about every lowlife (people who have standards don't bang "­2"s, what the fuck is wrong with you) hurling their hotdogs all the way across her dusty, disrepaired, dilapidated and abandoned proverbial (and probably literal) hallway.

No, asshole. Fuck to the no.



You see, idiot... That was charity. Me still talking to you was charity. Because you suck and i'm god's gift to women. I was being nice.

I'm Gogo, an internet deity, a fucking God amongst fruitcakes... You don't friendzone me, I friendzone you, that's how it obviously works, moron.

Me = Alpha

You = Beta

Me = Stud

You = Dud

Some gerryatric from the Soviet Union friendzoning... me ? You gotta be fucking... You can't be serio... I mean, it's so.... the idea of this whole gaffe.... fucking blunder you made... fucking faux pas...


Sigh...

I sincerely hope you can grasp the reality of how direly austere she harpooned me through my manlihood by forcefully putting me in the zone where friends reside in a circle, join hands around a bonfire and sacrifice their own virgin sperm to the God of Sex (which incidentally happens to be me, lol) in the hope his heart will soften and have compassion on the damned castouts they call "the friendzonees" and break their curse of undesirability as a sex object.

You know at this point, I'm not even trolling anymore, it still pisses me off just by just typing this.

Where does she get the balls to try pull that female bullshit on me, goddamn it ? I crush pussy 24/7 up in this motherfucker, after I smash their twatsocks, I smash their hearts because fuck your feelings, I already came, time to get to fuck out, bitch. Thank you, cum again.

Well, I told her that I was uncomfortable with her telling me this. She responds by asking me if i'm jealous. I ignore her going full lobotomized Downe syndrome patient on me and pretend she didn't say that.

It was less than a week before i would be flying out to Tirana to meet her and everyone single day we talked prior to us meeting in real life, she kept asking me for advice to get this guy to fuck her again, since she sent him a message through facebook for a repeat bangfest which went unanswered. I ignored every single attempt to this weird and random friendzoni­fication process she was shoving down my throat.

Since she didn't take no for an answer and clearly ignored the fact that I'm totally not into this new arrangement that was maybe spawned from my misguided efforts to be nice to this lonely East­european Shrek woman beast... i tried to cancel my flight to Tirana... about a hundred thousand times.

Since cancelling on such a short notice was kinda expensive, it looked like I was going across the continent to meet some grandma Frankenstein I met online who recently decided i was going to be her boy­pet she could show off to her girlfriends at the nursinghome.

I'll spare you the details of how that misadventure went because... well, it was embarrassing and i don't want to humiliate her since she may be reading this and i don't want to be that guy.

You know, that guy that slutshames women online for others their entertainment and reveals every little detail of matters that should really be kept private just because some immature asshole (me) feels the need to vindicate his ego on the internet.

It's so unclassy and I don't want to be associated with that kind of behaviour.

Thanks, bye. Fuck you.